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Close Call

My nerves are frazzled. I had a panic attack Monday morning at like 5:30 am. It was scary but it didn't last long because I took a "happy pill". It was still violently scary and it left me feeling weak and shaken. I called my mom and she helped me through my breathing exercises. All I could do was curl in a ball on the floor and scream the name of Jesus while my soul felt as if it were being drained from my body.

Not only that, but my insomnia is back in effect also. I should definitely be sleeping right now but that's nearly impossible. I feel so alone when I'm like this. I'm awake while everyone else is sleeping and sleeping when everyone else is awake. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. He makes me so happy. He makes me smile but I don't know if he really understands what I go through. I can tell he tries to understand but I think it scares him as well. I can’t say I fault him because it’s quite scary to me too. I still feel like it is asking a lot for him to 100% understand. I can tell he wants to. It seems as though time he swallows one pill I am cramming another down his throat. I don’t want him to leave me but I wouldn’t be shocked if he did. This is a lot to handle. Having HS makes me cry more than anything else. It hurts mentally, physically, and emotionally.

On Saturday, my family gave my niece her first birthday party. She’s only one years old but that party was fit for a queen and it took a lot of work too. It was warm early in the day but I still helped decorate the yard and went into the house when I because warm to cool off my skin. I don’t have to explain what heat does to someone with HS. I went into the house to get cool but it seems as if I were only getting hotter. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my sister when my aunt’s husband, who was cooking in the cool house all day, asked me for a mop. I looked in the laundry room but there wasn’t one in there. My sister told him it was probably outside. I tell my sister I am getting water out of the fridge because they were frozen and it may cool me. He says to me, “Shelia would you get the broom!” I go to the fridge and grab a water bottle. I tell him that I am hot. He says we are all hot. I say yes but I am the only one with a skin condition. I reach out the door and grab the first mop looking thing I see and turn around when I hear him say, “You need to be working. Nobody cares about your skin!” I throw the broom towards him and just as I am about to tell him where to put the broom my mom walks in and grabs me and tell me to take a shower to cool my skin off. God knows I was about to tell him some things he had never heard before. My mom called me and said she knew I what I was about to do and that is why she sent me away. I am kind of glad she did because it was going to be bad. LOL. She said after I left from the kitchen my sister and cousin were standing there frozen because they knew it was going to be bad if I opened my mouth. I am very slow to anger but when I do get there, well, I shut it down. Lol. He just kind of stayed out of my way for the rest of the day. My niece’s party was a blast though!


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