Sick Girl Part V
Continued...
One late night in July, I sent the guy I was dating out to get something to eat from a fast food restaurant. When he came back, I beginning to eat. When I bit into the burger, I quickly spit it out. The burger was completely raw in the center. I took a picture of it and sent it to the corporate office. They sent me a check for $500. That is how I paid my bills in August.
The lady who was working on my SSDI case told me that I had a pretty good chance of being approved because all my doctors submitted my medical records and letters on my behalf. I was not as optimistic because my brother, who has HS too, had been trying to get on disability since 2001. The tumor was so big that I could no longer wear jeans or tight pants. I wore a lot of big baggy clothes to hide the tumor because it was hard to hide now under regular clothes. Sitting, walking, and bending started to get really difficult. I didn’t have insurance anymore so I could afford to go to the specialist nor the dermatologist anymore.
I got another call for my case worker and she told me that I had been tentatively approved and I would be getting some back pay money in my account soon. A week later I received an approval letter and a Medicaid card. I was able to pay my bills, keep my place, and go to the doctor. I felt relieved because I was so scared about losing my place and not being able to go to the doctor. However, I got another letter saying they were going to increase my monthly benefits but I would have to wait 2 years before I could get the medical benefits back. I was devastated. Again, I had no medical coverage. Insurance for me would have cost about $200 a month due to my pre existing condition. That was fine because I was getting about $200 in food stamps. In November, they reduced the food stamps from $200 to $16 about a week before Thanksgiving.
I had stopped taking my antidepressants because I hated the way they made me feel and I didn’t want to mix them with my pain medication. I was so depressed and I kept having panic attacks. I was always worried about money. I wasn’t used to be so dependent on the government for my livelihood. It is the most awful feeling and me being a black woman, I always felt stereotyped when people talked about government entitlements and food stamps. How unfair that I was made to feel guilty for being poor and sick. I wanted my old life back so bad. I wanted to work and take care of myself. I wanted to live in a house again instead of my crappy two bedroom apartment. I got sick of filling out forms and people giving me funny looks when I told them I was disabled. I was sick of feeling helpless and useless. I begin my technical writing business to make extra money. Because I flunked my class when I was in the hospital, financial aid didn’t want to pay for me to go to school anymore. Here I was, 5 classes away from graduation and I was stuck. I was starting to lose hope that my life would ever get better.
