I Miss Me

For the past two years, my financial situation has been dire and it terrifies me. I used to complain about not being about to get my hair or nails done like I wanted to or not really being able to afford to go on vacations or shop for pleasure. Now I can't afford to buy clothes, get my nails done, and sometimes I am even without food. Having to depend on disability income was something I dreaded the moment I realized that my illness was affecting my job performance, however it is now my saving grace, this few hundred dollars. It seems like there is always something that is not paid or that needs to be done.

I find myself being terrified about simple things like burning my food by mistake so that its inedible in fear that I will run out of food. I find myself horrified at the fact of losing my outdated android phone because I can't afford to replace it. Just last week I was invited out to dinner with a group of friends, I opened the menu to find that the cheapest thing on there was $18.75. I panicked over $18.75.... but I have collection agencies contacting me every day about $500, $700, and $800 medical bills. Even Uncle Sam is breathing down my back about a $2000 tax bill from 2011 and a little over $2300 in unpaid tuition. It's been years since I have had over a few thousand in the bank.

Being a freelance writer and occasionally consulting for a business bring in a few hundred a year which are often eaten up right away buy some random expense as soon as I have the money in my hand. A $150 traffic ticket for having a bad headlight, replacing my axle and battery on my car, getting an oil change, medication that can be as much as $80 a bottle. Nearly everything I own is old, need replaced, fixed, or simply tossed in the trash. Having the shoe repair man glue the heel back on my favorite pair of boots, duck taping the frayed wires on my laptop power cord, and cutting the torn and tattered lining out of my leather jacket is just a few reminders of how my illness has changed my lifestyle from the outgoing, stylishly dressed fun, career girl I used to be. I miss that girl.