Broken

I broke down on the phone with my boyfriend today. I am so at odds with myself. Maybe I’m not cut out for long distance relationships. I don’t know. I’ve been feeling lonely, neglected, and uncared for. When we first met, I told him that I was a woman that craved a lot of attention. He didn’t seem to mind. I got phone calls and text from him all day, and we made plans to spend time together as soon as we could. It seems now that he knows he has me so he isn’t putting in the same effort as he was before.

I texted him today, telling him that I was missing him and I didn’t want a day to pass when we didn’t talk to each other. I didn’t get a text back till late tonight and all he tells me is that he’s going to buy me body wash and a razor. I asked him why he said that and he answers just because. Not good enough for me so I call and tell him to explain. He tells me that last time I visited I left a scent on the seat in his car. I tell him I probably sweated because he didn’t have air in his car and blah, HS, blah. I told him that is why when we got back to his place I immediately took a bath. He asks me can I shave down there. Of course ppl with HS know that shaving is a no-no but I had to explain it to him all again. I go so overwhelmed and embarrassed that I just began to cry. I told him that I know it was a lot to handle and that if he couldn’t to let me go before I fell in love with him. He said he does care about me a lot and that he wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want to be with me.

It so hard to keep explaining the same thing over and over again to people but I know deep down he is just trying to understand. I need him to understand. I am crazy about this guy but I don’t know if he can handle all that is me. He gives me these looks when I talk to him about it and it makes me thing that he thinks I’m nasty and disgusting. It could be all in my mind because he’s never done anything to hurt me. I am in a very weak place emotionally. I feel lost and so very vulnerable. He there for me though. It’s the little things he does that make me so happy. I was in bed one night and I was having some pain. I didn’t want to tell him but he knew something was wrong because I kept moving around in the bed. He rubbed my back and said, “Its okay baby. Just try to go to sleep.” It’s like he knew. I guess I should tell him more, because he asks and I just hold back because I don’t want to overwhelm him. God help me do what is right and guide my heart in the right direction.