I hate my body

I haven't been on here for a while. As far as the Enbrel, if you get a chance to take it, do it. It's not a cure but I promise it made me better. The pain wasn't as bad and I barely had any new outbreaks.

My skin, my crotch is still fucked up. These scars. I hate it! The smell! The pain! The people who don't understand. I feel so helpless. I just cry and cry and cry and when my tears are dry I look down and I am still fucked up. I will never ever be the person I was before HS ruined my life. I am so sick of people telling me to be positive when they think I'm gross too. I just wish that I didn't want to be loved then I wouldn't have to go through this everytime. I have so much love to give but it ain't shit if nobody wants it. It is ok for me to have weak moments! I can't be strong all the time!!! When will someone take the burden off me and be strong for me when I am feeling weak? I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It getting harder to find clothes that hide it. He says he supports me but he says the most awful things but always begin these awful things by saying no offense. It still hurts even when you don't mean it too.

God how I wish I didn't have this skin disorder!!!! I would give anything, anything to be normal again. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do not to deserve this? I think the more he learns about my skin, he gets less and less attracted to me. Soon he will leave just like all the others. He says he won't, but I have heard that time and time again.